Depressions of Life

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

HALO HALO DESERT

WE ATE SO MESSY CAN!!MUAHAHAHAHA
SHE WAS SO DELIGHTED WIF THE DESERT BUT........
WE DIDNT LIKE IT AT ALL!! D PIC SAES IT ALL!! BLEAHX

so anywae yest went out wif my sis n cuz aft sch

met dem n went off to clarke quay to gt my uniform!!

yay!! im startting werk tmr!!

but sadly it was a wasted trip coz my manager had went off

so sorry =)

so headed dwn to orchard to go to my cuz werkplc to gt her pay

went to aigner boutique

i tell u i relli badly wan the perfume!!

smells so nice can!! i dun care my 1st pay im gg gt me 1 of those!!

muahahahaha! n noone shall stop me!!

went to eat at lucky plaza

ayam penyet!! its nice ah but i tell u the chili padi is so PEDAS(HOT)!!!

i wanna die sia eating that

u shld haf seen my expression

apparently my sis n cuz find my expression fascinating!!

den headed to eat desert called HALO-HALO

a highly popular filipino desert9apparently)

hahahaha

u can c d pics above to c wht its nice to me or nt?? hahahahas

so all of us headed home aft tt coz it was pretty late

we all had fun didnt we?? =)

ok fine!!

im tryin my best to jus forget about it!!

relli i am

im tryin my best to be happy again

relli am

but y izzt so hard to let it go??

i wont sae that i've let the past go

im still holding on to the fragment of it

its not ez ok

having failed my o lvl twice is a blow!!

i wan to forget abt it n move on

but i feel that i've failed myself =(

but this is not me!!

never was it!!

there's gg be a new begining of my life

im hoping for that

so i gotta believe in myself n jus be happy =)

dun worri guys i will soon i hope

Lost nowhere @ 9:41 PM

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Saturday, January 26, 2008

few days ago
i received my 2nd o lvl results
it was horrifying
i did badly haix
wen i logged on my account to check my results
pooof!! d results were slapped onto my face!!
haix
but i didnt cry at all
that was a surprise =)

my mood was ruined that day i had to go sumwhr
wen to take bus 59 n stopped at braddel
i haf no idea y i go der
i jus had to go sumwhr
i was alone suppose to mit my fren but wasnt able to contact him
so msg my bro pak an coz i jus nid company
so met him n ct at toa payoh
jus hang out forawhile talked to dem
i noe dey are tryin deir to cheer me up
im so sorry that i wasnt in da mood
thanxs for the company guys!! luv ya!!

den went on to meet my pri sch best fren Zaid
he took off time jus to mit me!! thnxs bro!!
met him up at simpang bedok to haf dinner
tok all d wae frm 7+ till 11+
long huh hahaha i haven met him so ages lar!!
miss him so much can!!
tok to him abt a lot of stuffs
all abt d positive stuffs of course
he told me that its no use being down
all he said makes sense
thnxs bro!! relli appreciate all the help u've given me
shortl aft my my fren hermi met up wif us den move on to my hse
slpover dere!! so fun can!! we chatted till morn den at last around 5am
all of us slpt!!
muahahahaha in d end all of us woke up at 12+
but it was fun!! i had fun!!

tt dae itself went to mit my sis to accompany her to gt sum stuffs
den i met up wif my besties aft that
met up wif dem at simpang bedok again
ate dere together chatted
well i miss all that!! i miss them so bloody damn much can!!
all of us had fun!!
bt i noe that deep down inside im trying my best to be happy
i told u guys im fine im tryin too
der's nthy to worry abt
THE HAMDAN THAT U GUYS NOE IS SUMONE THAT DOESNT GIVES UP EASILY
HE WILL PULL THROUGH!!
HE WILL STAND UP TALL AGAIN!!
DUN WORRY ALRITE GUYS??

LUV U GUYS SO MUCH!!

PS: sorry to evryone who msg me on that dae askin me abt my results
i wasnt in da mood!! so sorry!! =)

Lost nowhere @ 2:27 PM

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Wednesday, January 23, 2008

i recently got the news frm my fren that they have switched off the life support today
my fren, Kenrick has moved on today
a great frm of mine has moved to betta plc above
may he rest in peace
i will awaes rmb u in my heart my fren =)

went to sch in d morn
wasnt relli in da mood
me ct n pak an was wearing jeans
we rched early n d tcher hasnt arrived yet
so i went to d toilet
wen i gt back i saw ct n pak an outside
dey told me dey kanna chased out of class coz dey wearing jeans
dere's dis strict rule of not being able to wear jeans to sch by the NEW PRINCIPAL!!
i hate whoever is the principal!!
make our lives miserable!!
so dey werent able to enter but i could coz she didnt c me
hahahaha sori guys u guys were jus unlucky i guess =) bleahx
aft sch went home straight coz not in da mood to go out
short dae in sch

o lvl results is released tmr at 2pm
im afraid reli afraid of the results ill c online
i dun wan to breakdown n cry like last yr
i dun wan to suffer in sadness all over again
it wasnt ez in the 1st time wen i failed my o lvl to overcome my failure even though i still have not yet recover frm last yr tragedy
haix
i jus hope for the best tmr =)
in d 1st plc i didnt wan to go to sch but i guess i shld jus go to pass time
i noe i wouldnt b able to concentrate in class
oh wells wish me gd luck guys!!

Lost nowhere @ 11:23 PM

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Tuesday, January 22, 2008

STRESSED

I've been VERY stressed out for the past weeks
and now i gt pimple break out damn it!! i look horrible
O level will be out on the 24 Jan 2008
gd luck to everyone!!

2 days ago i received a bad news frm my fren
my fren,Kenrick had a brain infection n shortly aft experiencing brain dead
it was totalli unxpected i was relli shocked i was sad :(
a fren of mine left me
i couldnt believe it it happen to him
just last year i col him out for badminton but he couldnt make it coz it was his exams week
n i didnt xpect tt was d last time i actualli tok to him
i still cant believe it

today went to tan tock seng hospital to c him before dey switched off the life support
dere we a lot of of his frens who turn up
i thank all of them for being der =)
went in ICU to c him
tok to him but honestly speakin i haf no idea wd to sae
i was speechless for the 1st time
i couldnt possible breakdown infront of the father
i had to hold it back telling myself not to cry
he was my junior my fren that is a part of my life now
n to c him in that state relli hurts me =(
i almost couldnt take it but i had to put up a front
i still couldnt believe it
went off frm dere aft being there for 3 hours
but a part of me wanted to wait dere but i had to go off frm der lest i gt emotional

so i didnt wan to think abt it so much
went out to haf lunch wif hermi n sharifah at novena velocity
AT LAST I WENT THERE!!
it was my 1st time dere
it was big but apparently its like the same as otha malls
BORING!!
so ate dere and den head on to woodlands to mit up wif sharifah's AFRICAN fren, jeff
he's a soccer player in GOMBAK united in SINGAPORE football
hahaha i met him he's frenly
sent him all d wae to jurong for his match at jurong stadium
den me n sharifah went back to woodlands to go republic polytechnic
my 1st time dere too hahahahaha
i nid to put my mind off things of wd happened jus now so roam singapore
republic poly is huge a new sch
but it was basically quite empty
waited to mit up wif hafizah aziz suppose to mit kam ho
but apparently sumthing happen or wd i dunno
he nvr answered my calls n msgs
he betta haf a logical gd explanation next time i c him!!!
den wen to eat at causeway point at kfc coz hafizah was apparently dying frm hunger
shortly aft tt didnt noe whr to head on den went dwn to buy munchy donuts
yummy!! luv luv it so much can!! i gt d pics lazy upload now
took bus 168 to tamp n slack unda d blk enjoyin our donuts!!
we all headed hm coz it was apparently late aldy

i jus recently gotten d news that they haven switch off the life support
it will b extended till tmr
im relli hoping for a miracle here ill pray hard for him
n i hope everyone pray hard for him pls
kenrick be strong there's a lot of ppl around u who love u very much
so be strong fight it!! i noe u can do it!!

Lost nowhere @ 10:13 PM

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Wednesday, January 16, 2008

gosh i jus realised that its been a week since i last blogged
well been pretending that everything is fine been pretending to be happy over n over again
coz if i dn pretend to b strong it wont be okay
ppl around me whom i care so much needs me
dey cant c me nt strong dey cant c me collapse
if nt dey cant lean on me dey cant rely on me to b der for dem if i dun pretend to be strong
i dun mind relli dey nid me more den i nid myself right now =)

recently i jus received an email my MOE regarding o lvl
d letter states my password for me to gt my o lvl results online
the moment i saw that letter my heartbeat was beating faster n faster
i was feeling scared i was afraid
i was so fucking afraid that ill fail
as soon i gt d letter negative thots came to me
telling me that ill fail my o lvl AGAIN
i kip telling myself that im a failure!!
i kip telling myself that it is not possible for me to pass my o lvl!!
haix my dae was ruined wen i saw that letter!!

im leading a pathetic life man
everyday kept thinking of the past
y in d world am i thinkin of it??
cant i jus forget abt it pls??
i relli wan too =)
i noe im trying but its not happening!!
im criously fucking fed up of myself for being this way!!!
arggggggggg!!! FUCK!!!

a few days ago i took my basic theory test
I PASSED!! WHEEEEE
now waiting to learn how to drive and pass my final theory test!!
muahahahahaha hopefully i cn gt my liscence by this year!!!!

i miss my besties so much lar
haven seen them for like so long!!
i dunno wen will that be
everyone seems bz n i am too
if i start working aldy ill b more bz can!!
we gotta mit up fast!!!

O LVL results is going to be released soon
dunno wen sum sae 24 or 25 or 28 of january
sumhow i got a gut feeling that ill fail again
y cant i jus for once believe in myself ah??
izzt so hard to believe in urself??
tell me ppl pls tell me y??
haix

IM AFRAID =(

Lost nowhere @ 4:02 PM

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Monday, January 07, 2008

2007 was a sucky year for me
ok well it was a fucked up year!!
because i was unhappy most of the time
bad events happened to me and i was SAD

in d begining of the year of 2007
i failed one of the most important exams in the world
i failed my o level
up till now i still couldnt forgave myself
i disappointed my parents/frens n more importantly i disappointed myself
im a failure wd cn i sae
i still couldnt forget the dae i gt my results
it kips flashing back in my mind
i brokedown i brokedown into million pieces
that cannot be mended no matter hw hard i tried too
i wan to mend i relli wan too but u guys wont undastand ever y i cant
its nt i dun wan but its jus not possible rite now im sorry but its true
ever since that day on i knew that i could NEVER ever held myself high
i could NEVER ever believe in myself anymore
its sad that i became sumone without belief in himself
sumone that utterly disappoints everyone disappoints himself even more
he wasnt a person without belief
he was a person with the most belief in himself
he could achieve anything he put all his souls n confidence together
i miss that person n im sure everyone does
all i can hope now is the real HAMDAN returns soon

next thing happens would be that i wasnt able to enter any polytechnic at all
coz sumone who failed maths n science d 2 major subjs
i jus cant go anywhere at all!!
i applied to all most every poly but still i couldnt enter any of it
i was hoping wif all my heart at least let me enter any poly but to my despair i didnt
that made my self esteem even lower
telling me that wow im such a failure not even a single polytechnic wans me
sad relli
i had to do wd i had to do
enter ITE that was my backup plan if i nvr ever be able to enter poly
i entered ITE simei majoring in accounting
a course that i hate but im good at it
wd more cn i ask rite
i had to enter it at least betta den going to the army 1st rite
my last resort i didnt noe wd to expect from it relli
i was scared cumin to a new school a new environment new people
i was afraid afraid that i wouldnt like it there i wouldnt make any frens dere
BUT it all proved wrong it did it did
ITE was not bad at all i mus sae
fuck all the people who sae ITE no good
it is great okay!!
i met awesome frens awesome tchers/lecturers
that made me inseparable from them
i jus luv cumin to school n u noe y
bcoz of my frens bcoz of my classmates
dey make me feel like home
we awaes spent time together most of the time
awaes dere for me wen i needed them d most wen my besties are bz
whenever im with dem i feel safe i njoy deir company in fact i dun mind being wif them everyday
I RELLI LUV THEM!! i relli do
we are like family =)
entering ITE was i mus sae one of the best thing i ever did in my life
i didnt regret it all NEVER ever did i regret it
maybe failing my o level was a blessing?? i dunno maybe who noes

but of course in ITE i still do haf my downs
especially in my results
recently my 1st semester results wasnt that satisfying to me n u noe y
i oni gt a pathetic 3.3 GPA
to ppl its considered great aldy but i noe that i took the whole exams without any belief in myself no confidence at all
den i was thinking if i were to haf my confidence back while takin the exams
will i do betta?? i noe i can
but sadly i dun i was fucking fed up wif myself i badly wan to do well in my studies in ITE
but its jus not happening
what's wrong wif me man??
haix

2007 i told my besties abt my problems AT LAST!!
been keeping it from them for years n i finally burst it out but its not EVERYTHING
been wanting too but i jus didnt haf the heart to say it
its not ez ok its hurtful it relli is
i cried infront of them which i so hate myself for that
i didnt wan them to see my worst state but it happened
im sorry guys im relli sorry u guys had to c me in that state
but it was relli my most important nite ever
u guys were dere for me telling me its gonna b okay
its gonna be okay
i was very touched wen u guys said that
giving me assurance that it relli is gonna b okay
wen i cant giv myself assurance ever
those words were important to me
n i thank u guys for that!!
I LUV U GUYS TO BITS!! I RELLI DO
i was so scared that we wont be able to be like together like last time
but i no longer haf to be afraid coz we still be able to be together even though we're all in different school leading separate lives having new frens
i noe that we will awaes be together as one whole foreva =)
but still deep down inside im still afraid that im gonna lose u guys one day
i jus hope it wont happen ever!! i relli hope so

2007 i retook my o lvl the 2nd time
i was apparently dissatisfied wif my performance the 1st time
n i retook it to prove that im not a failure
but i noe that deep down inside i was afraid to retake it coz i dun wan to fail again
if that were to happen not oni will i fall flat to the ground
i will blame myself ever i will never ever haf the heart to forgive myself
i will never ever be able to stand up straight again
i was afraid of that
sumore i had no confidence in me to do it again the second time
but i had to try i had to prove myself wrong
it was extremely difficult for me to do it again
i forgotten most of wd i had learnt last time but i had my frens to help me along the way
thanks to those who helped me =)
i jus hope it was enough
o lvl was over n i jus haf to wait for the results to noe wht am i failure or not??
the results is cumin soon real soon
im scared i relli am scared
haix oh wells

Zaid my best fren since pri school
he was dere for me wen i needed him
lending me his ears
gosh i miss him so much can!!
shooting him wif negativity he wasnt fed up at all
all he did was to shoot me back wif positivity
all he had was positive n more positive
it does make sense
thanks for everything Zaid
i relli appreciate it
LUV u bro!!
ill do my best to be the HAMDAN that u knew
a person wif grace n reigning in confidence =)
ill read the books i will

i guess 2007 was a rollercoaster ride for me huh
ups n downs gosh exciting isnt it??haha lol
im tryin my best to forget the past
i relli am
its not ez especially it change my perception of life n it made me wd i am today
i hate to cry every nite for the SAME DAMN THING over n over again!!
but i had too im nt sure wht after crying my heart out will i feel betta
mayb it does a lil im nt sure
im not ashamed of it however
crying my heart out may jus work
i dunno we'll c it sure make my eyes swollen hahahaha

and now came 2008
a year i hope i wld be able to b a more happy person than i was back in 2007
a person that all my frens c me as last time or even betta
i hope its gonna b a betta year for me
i hope its gonna b a betta year for everyone too =)
many loves ppl
HAMDAN loves u guys so much!!
PS:IF U GUYS NID ANYTHING DUN HESITATE TO CUM TO ME ILL AWAES BE DERE FOR U GUYS NO MATTER WD
I HOPE U GUYS NO THAT!!
TAKE CARE EVERYONE =)

BECAUSE OF YOU
I AM AFRAID I AM AFRAID
BECAUSE OF YOU
I CRY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NITE FOR THE SAME DAMN THING!!
BECAUSE OF YOU IM AFRAID =(

Lost nowhere @ 12:18 AM

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Friday, January 04, 2008

Woah!!!
I've realised that i haven been updating my blog
lazy lar lols n bsides im not in da mood =(

so a quick update

christmas was quite dull relli
d whole group wasnt present although i badly wan dem to b
so instead celebrated it wif fiz,mer,sew,pak an,ct
all of us went to eat at simpang bedok
ok lar a peaceful talkative dinner i guess
pak an n ct went home early as ct could not b home tt late
aft that all of us went to FOO house to meet up wif the rest of the cliques
so nice to c evryone lar took pics but had to go off early wif fizah coz i cnt stay up tt late
damn!! couldnt countdown to christmas wif evryone!! damn pissed!! oh wells

went on a holidays to genting wif my family n relatives
it was ok lar quite fun i guess
i oni hate d part in going to genting n cumin back to singapore
u noe y coz we had to take a freaking bus lar with no TOILET!!
ahhhhhhh!! oh well at least its over now im safely back in singapore!!muahahaha
went shopping watchin movie played bowling n pool
i beat my highest score in bowling wif 165!! yessar!! i jus gt betta n betta!!
overall i mus sae it quite njoyable despite all d whining n stuffs!!
hahahahahahaha

new year itself was OKAY lar
as usual d whole group couldnt make it for sum apparent reason n i dun wish to say
met up wif fiz,sew,mer,farhan(sew's scandal)
went to eat at bedok corner den move on to meetin my family n relatives n lau pa sat
but didnt coz d rest wanna go clarke quay so had to cancel meeting dem
i aldy told my dad n sis abt not meeting dem n dey were pissed at me for no apparent reason
hello!! i dun gt it y pissed wif me !!cheesh!! wadeva!!
it totalli spoiled my mood for d whole nite!! arggggg
went to c d fireworks!! it was nice i guess
straight aft d fireworks all of us went home coz we were dead tired!!
i tell u d MRT was completely empty lar!! hahahas surprised realli!!
reach home at almost 2 n i was alone at home went to bed straight!!

my new year resolution are as follows:
1) to obtain an average of 3.7-4.0 GPA (if i were to stay in ITE)
2) to jus be Happy for once
3) all problems to be solved once and for all
4) to obtain my driving liscence
der's more but im jus plain lazy to type it lar

I've been tokin to bestie Zaid for a few days
he's been a great help to me
n i jus luv him
me shooting wif negativity at him n on his part he will shoot me back wif positivity
thnxs bro!!

i relli am tryin my best to forget my past but its not ez
im tryin though
i jus hate myself for being dis way!!
i wanna be happy i wanna believe in myself again!!
oh god!! help me believe in me

Sch reopening soon
im looking forward in meeting my classmates at last!!!
miss them so much lar!!
hahahas

tryin my best to regain back d confidence i lost
relli hope it'll be back to me one day
haix
my frens told me that i should open up to dem
yeah maybe i should
i c hw

Lost nowhere @ 12:26 AM

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