since young i've awaes treasured frenship to the max frens were my life wen darkness fills my life dey were der to light up my life i could never ever lived without my frens true enuf i cldnt
i love my frens so much i wil awaes be there for dem if dey needed me anytime anywhere wadeva dey need ill awaes rush der to dem offering dem my help even if dey didnt ask for it but were dey awaes der for me wen i needed dem d most?? NEVER!! FUCK RITE to think dey actuali said that dey will awaes be dere for u irregardless of anything but all those was lies!! i mean i dun expect dem to b der for me everytime coz i noe dey have deir own lives so i jus dun gt it y cant dey jus b der for me wen i needed dem d most haix
i hate it wen my frens are attached coz i noe that im definitely gg be more apart from dem coz too dem their otha partners definitely cums first i was scared that im gona LOSE my frens coz we dun tok or mit up anymore ever since thinking that dey dun care abt me anymore while i MISS THEM SO MUCH hoping that dey wld giv me their 1 dae jus to spend time wif dem is that too much to ASK?? to dem it is if being attached its gonna be like this i wonda wd will happen wen dey gt married haix oh wellls as long as dey're happy im happy =)
apart frm all those stuffs sumthing tt relli impact me was myself people around me had awaes had high expectations of me especially in studies i dunno y but dey do so i in turn wld had high expectations myself i passed PSLE but didnt had enuf score to gt into d express stream which my parents wanted me to be in i've disappointed dem ok tts d 1st O levels i failed twice tryin so hard but still couldnt passed disappointed my parents again u noe its so hard to live up to ppl expectations n wen u cnt make it u disappointed alot of ppl around u especially ur parents people said i tried my best but i guess my best wasnt enuf its not oni disappointment i experienced bcoz of those failures especially failing my O lvl i've lost all d confidence in me until now i didnt had any confidence inside of me i've awaes pretended that i was able to cope wif everything but i CANT!!! u noe its so hard to do things without any confidence in you especially tryin to bounce back frm failing O lvl twice AINT EASY!! all my frens told me to move on jus forget abt my past failures but dey haf no idea how hard izzt to jus move on dey're not me how do dey noe hw it feels to be a complete failure try living my life n u noe hw sucky it is i fuckin hate myself tts abt it hate hw i turn out to be PRETENDING THAT EVERYTHING WAS OK BUT ITS NOT IM IN DENIAL FORCED TO FAKE A SMILE A LAUGH EVERYDAE OF MY LIFE i wan to be happy relli happy for once but its very difficult nowadays haix
i longed to hear frm my parents that dey are PROUD of me but until now dey haven sae it to me yet mayb bcoz i've disappointed dem many times der's nothing to b proud about even if i scored well in my studies dey didnt even sae anything dey expect me to do betta in it to dem no matter hw gd i did in my studies its never enuf i jus feel that dey are ashamed tt i gt into ITE but not POLY i still rmb tt wen a stranger ask my parents abt me whr i sch dey wld sae POLY not ITE do u noe how painful it is tt to hear frm ur own parents it seems that dey were ashamed tt i entered ITE i dunno but tts wd i feel
I've awaes wished that i wld b in a COMA may bcoz i jus wanna RUN AWAY frm dis awful world i currently live in now in the past i did tried to commit suicide but i stopped myself frm doin it coz its jus nt worth it its jus a cowardly act tryin to run awae frm reality bsides i wonda how my parents gg take it wen im gone i haf to think abt my family i dun tink dey will be able to take it tt im gone i thank god i didnt do it
i hate to CRY every now and then for the SAME DAMN THING but i can hardly take it anymore locking myself up in my room trying to cry myself to sleep but its awaes futile i couldnt let go dey sae sumthing mus be broken before dey can be fixed im broken but im still not fixed yet how to fix me?? haix i'd rather bottled up everything in me than telling my frens abt it coz i didnt wan dem to worry abt me i dun think dey cared enuf abt me to worry if dey did dey shld haf seen that this fren of deirs is suffering but dey didnt notice a thing dey never ask enuf dey didnt pester enuf to noe bsides dey haf deir own probs n lives to lead i dun wan dem to haf to worry abt me another thing they haf to worry i noe dey haf enuf probs to handle
now im scared that i wont be able to do well in my ITE studies its very difficult bcoz its my last yr of the course wif so many probs around me i can hardly concentrate im afraid to disappoint my parents again IM JUS SCARED TO FAIL AGAIN haix
