2 daes ago my frens came to my hse to bake oreo cheescake...hehe...it ws fun...all of us did our part...n ok lar...d end result was nt tt satisying though...it taste nice but d presentation was not up to standard though..tts sad...bt its ok as long as it taste nice...yeah....haha.... so aft all tt of us played my ps2 for awhile n follow up in watchin vcds....hehe...eating titbits n watchin 2gther...it ws fun!! im so gg miss doin all tt...its sad tt all of us gg b separated.....sobx sobx...oh well..its meant to b dis wae i guess...too bad..hopefully all of us will remains best of frens foreva!! :)
oh gosh...im like so tired n bored of werk sia...all new faces...yeah..true i cn make new frens...but its jus so boring w/o d old staffs as well..miss all of dem so much sia...jus nw werk..haix..i relli felt i dun belong dere anymore...haix...its relli sad...relli sad...i think im gg quit or shldnt i..?..haix..i dunno...dis yr i gt too many things in my mind...o lvl...ite..cca...yeah..im gg take cca in ite...mayb badminton or tennis...n tuition as well...haix...im gg b damn bz....oh well..i jus hope dis yr will b a great yr for me...coz starting of d yr is jus nt gg my wae...
1st of all didnt do well in my o..haix..tt ws d most disapponting event of my life..i still cnt blieve i failed my o...haix..i still cnt forgive myself for failing...haix...sobx sobx...although im trying to forget abt it...but part of me will still b affected...im retakin o...n i relli afraid tt ill fail again...haix...
haix haix haix haix haix haix haix haix haix
oh where has my confidence gone too..??...pls cum back to me..??..pls...
im scared...im relli scared...haix...
sobx sobx sobx sobx sobx sobx sobx sobx sobx
ITS JUS NOT GOING MY WAY!!!! IM DYING!!! IM DROWNING!!! ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!! I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH!!!!
it ws one tiring dae for me sia jus now...sian...well kinda...went to ite simei to pay for my registration fees..haha..im gg start skool soon..yay!! i hope...well at 1st i tot i had to pay d full amount of my course fee which is $279...but i ws told i dun haf to...coz im malay..haha...well sumthin to do wif history last time..omg..im a humanities student i shld noe all dis sia...haha..looks like i've forgotten most of it...haha...oh well...at least tt's settled....bgt skool uniforms...luckily der's blue color..haha..my fav!! at least i wont look hideous in uniform...phew!! my fren n i, wei liang, spent duno hw long sia at ite simei...all jus to gt our uniforms n pay for it..n of course coz of my fussyness...haha...sorry....
so aft tt met up wif my bro andrew...n we all went around shopping for presents...well nt me at least..haha...but of course wif my help..hehe...n d bad thing is tt i ws having my gastric..well nt relli gastric..jus pain in my stomach..oh gosh..hw did i managed to control it n go out??...haha...
so bgt presents aldy....we decided to play pool at eastpoint lo..tts d oni plc tt gt pool...sian..tamp no more le..except for d arcade..but its so XX lar...haha..so played pool for dunno hw long lar...d funni thing is tt i won andrew most of d time..but i simply lost to wei liang which subsequently lost to andrew...dun u find it strange??...n oh boy did wei liang improved a lot sia..pro aldy ar...haha...
so aft tt all of us went home...andrew met wif his new found fren he met at cavana...so i followed lo...n bsides she gg home which unexpectedly lives near me u noe..haha..so andrew sent both of us to our bustop....haha...in d end i go home wif his fren...haha..
overall i kinda like d dae...even though it wasnt tt much xciting or fun....i do not regret gg out wif dem...luv dem to bits!! thnxs guys!! hope to c u all of u soon...tk cr!! have fun in ur respective skools!!
dis few weeks...i c myself as a failure..nt being to pass my o lvl ws one of it..i still remembered d dae i gt my o lvl results...oh gosh..it jus seems like yesterdae...its so great to finally c all my frens again...i miss dem so much!! but all dose missing is jus gt to wait....
i ws like d 4th or 5th person in my class to gt my results...n oh boy ws it not pretty... except the fact tt all of us had to pay $ 2 as donations to d skool...if nt we cnt gt out results slip...curses!! ok fine...$2 is no biggie...all it matters tt i gt my o lvl results asap....i waited for it so long u noe...but haix... i did so bad... i failed my 2 most important subjs in my life...i jus cnt blive my eyes...
at 1st wen i gt my results i didnt want to cry...it wld embarassing u noe..seeing a guy cry...n i didnt wan my frens to worry...but it ws too much for me to handle..went to my frens n b4 i knew it...tears start rolling down my cheeks...all my frens tried to console me...but i jus cnt stop crying...haix...well it ws kinda funni...coz i used up a lot of tissues...haha...
tt dae ws d dae i actualli lost myself..COMPLETELY...wif all my hopes and dreams shattered....i cldnt possibly noe wd to do next...wif my future ruined...wd's dere for me now..?...i was afraid tt i jus cldnt bring myself up again to stand tall...but wif all d support i gt from my frens i ws kinda able too...well a part me is trying...d otha part of me is jus dead...temporarily..i hope...
i had little confidence in myself in d past..n now dis happen..i doubt dere's anymore confidence left in me to help me blieve in myself n strive forward...haix...
n now im an ite student..well temporarily i hope....retakin my o dis yr....hopefully evrything goes well for me...
haix...hate myself!!
PS: to my frens i hope all of us wont change!! we'll mit again soon...dun forget me hor!! ciao!! take care y'all
i never made it to poly... i knew it!! im nt destined for greatness...but y do ppl kip saying i do..??..haix...i jus dunno wd to do anymore in my life...
im gg to ite..a part of me wans to go..but anotha part of me jus saying d opposite...haix....i dunno lar...i shld try..who noes i might like it dere..but disadvantage is tt im wasting time dere....takin a course tt im nt interested at all...although i did great in poa...but its jus nt my interest...
Im so stressed up over dis...is dis wd god has in store for me..??..anotha path tt leads to my success??... or am i JUST nt destined for greatness??.. haix...i jus dunno...sum 1 pls tell me wd am i doin in dis world....pls...
Im currently in depression....relli long and painful depression.....
nothing cn make me happy again...my happiness in me is gone foreva...
BuT WeRe U AwAeS DeRe fOr Me?? U KiP SaYiNg U Do BuT ThAt'S AlL LiEs
WeN U NeEdEd Me I NeVeR HeSiTaTeD To B DeRe FoR U BuT WeN I NeEdEd SumOnE To Be ThErE FoR mE NoOnE EvEr DiD NeVeR NoBoDy EvEn CaRed NoBoDy EvEn LiStEnEd
I CaNt TaKe It AnYmOrE I'vE SuFfErEd ToO mUcH!! It'S A PiTy A PiTy
DiS Is My EnD Im GoNe Im GoNe FoReVa ShAn'T CoMe BaCk
Im ReAlLi DiSaPpOiNtEd It'S So TrUe
Y MuS It HaPpEn To Me? I ToT I wAs GoOd BuT ThIs MaKeS Me ReAliSe ThAt NoThInG Is EnUf In DiS WoRlD ThIs StUpId TwIsTeD WoRlD
Im In NeEd Of HeLp I ToT I WaS AbLe To CoPe BuT I wAs WrOnG
HoNeStLy I DuN ReLlI LikE To Be DePenDeNt On PeOpLe BuT i CaN BaReLy SuRvIvE NoW So If It'S NoT ToO mUcH TrOuBlE PlS StAnD By Me PlS AsK Me WhAt'S WrOnG CoZ NoW EvRyThIng JuS NoT GoInG My WaY HaIx
Im GeTtInG FrOm GoOd To BaD AnD BaD To WoRsE WhAt's HaPpEnInG To mE?? I'Ve ChAnGeD Im NoT D SaMe OlD PeRsOn AnYmOrE ThAt's BaD
If OnLy AlL ThIs WaSn'T TrUe ThEn I WoUld Be HaPpy AgAin
If OnLy TrUtH DoEsNt HuRtS ThEn I WoUld Be CoOl
If OnLy Im NoT SuFfErIng InSiDe ThEn The OlD HaPpY mE WoUld NoT Be DeAd AnD GoNe FoReVa
haix...im so scared...im so scared that i cnt make it to poly...i jus dunno wd to do if i cnt make it...am i fated to fail in evrything i do..?? dis past few months been hating myself for nt doin well in my o...haix...i noe i look happy but im jus fakin it...a pic says a thousand words...wenever i look at myself or my recent taken pictures...i cn c tt im nt happi...ill nvr will...
wd's happening to me..??.. sumthin is so wrong...n im nt sure wd....
anywae my colleagues noe aldy tt im quiting soon...dey dun wan me to quit..im like so dunno wd to do lar...haix..im so gg miss dem so much lar...i've been werkin dere for almost 4 months now..n all i hav wif me is beautiful memories...which ill treasure it awaes in my heart...i've made great frens whom i luv dem so much!! honest..i dun wanna quit but i haf to...haix..
2 daea ago i went out wif my besties frm sec skool..gosh miss dem so much lar...hahaha...we were supose to play bowling but in d end it ws full coz a tournament ws gg on...haix..dang it!!..i tot i cld vent my anger on d pins..but haha..too bad...so in d end we took neoprints 3 times...but i didnt look gd in any of it..coz im nt happy at all...i njoyed deir company...thnxs so much..i jus hope tt my unhappiness is nt shown on my face...coz i dun wan to spoil d dae...we were bored so decided to watch a movie titled the messengers...d show ws average..n i now i undatsand y d critics gave tt movie 3 ticks...it ws predictable...so common...cnt dey all jus make a movie tt is different?? izzt tt hard?? hahaha....subsequently aft d movie all of us went home coz ah ner miting her mum to watch a movie tt i oni haven watch it yet...i ws suppose to watch it wif my frens but dey watch it w/o me...sad..relli sad..nw i dunno who to watch wif..i guess ill jus watch it wif my bro...hope he's free...
oh well...jus nw went to werk for 2 hrs oni...help to replace my manager coz she nids to send her parents at d airport...den went home n slpt..it ws like oni nt even half hour...i cldnt sleep at all...usualli wen i cldnt slp coz dere's a lot of things in my mind...haix..i jus dunno wd to do lar...haix...i jus hope evrything will b fine n ill b able to pursue my studies in republic poly....but dis wait is killing me...i want to noe d results fast..so i noe wd to do next...haix...
i jus realised tt sum things jus cannot b changed...leopard cnt change its spots..n tt is so true lar...haix....i shldnt worry abt these stupid things lar..but its apart of my life...so haf to...oh god wd hav i done to deserve dis??..
HAMDAN is DEPRESSED....SAD....LONELY....CONFUSED....
i jus received an email frm tp...haix...my dae wasnt successful...haix...arggg...nw i jus haf to wait for my rp dae lo...tts d oni thing i cn relli hope for...but u noe wd...??..cum to think of it...did i actualli apply 4 it..??..haha..i noe..its nt unlike me to forget things...especially dese kinda things which is like so impt lar...haix...wd to do...its meant to b..n its awaes meant to b dis wae for me....haix...HATE MY LIFE!!
IM DEAD GONE FOREVA.......................................................................................................................... THAT'S SAD..... :(
haix...im so stressed...unda pressure...haix..duno wd to do....
d weird thing is tt im like so kepo abt my frens well-being lar tt is...dunno y..my prob nt settled but im jus concerned abt my frens...im actualli more worried abt my frens den myself....y ar?
i shld worry abt myself....i shld...coz it concerns my future.....haix...
I DUNNO WHAT TO DO NOW!!! HAIX... SADNESS FILLS MY LIFE!!!!
haix...i hate my life so much now...!! nthy is jus gg d wae i wanted..haix...im so stressed...depressed...i jus duno wd to do...tot i knew..i relli tot i knew...haix...im jus stuck on wd to do...arggg....mayb i shld jus retake my o..tts d all wae i cld do...i guess...i jus haf no faith in myself again in doin wd i do best last time...haix..am i jus fated to fail..?? i relli think so...sori u guys...i've failed all of u...dis is nt d hamdan u guys noe...im betta den dis...im stronger den dis...haix..i nid help...i jus hope rp accept me into deir skool...tts d oni ting i cn hope rite nw...haix... Oh pls god pls help me gt thru dis hardship b4 i collapsed... :(
wd do i nid now..??
i nid my frens by my side rite now...coz im collapsing soon...i dunno lar..im trying to b strong 4 myself n 4 my family...i duno wd will happen to dem if i actualli collapsed n n jus cry infront of dem...giving myself up 4 nt being able to stand up tall again....i've been reproaching myself evry single dae all my life...blaming myself 4 disappointing many ppl n myself as well....im so sorry....i relli hope i cld turn dis around n do evrything differently..but its jus too late... I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING DIS WAE!! haix.... y cnt i jus accept d fact tt im a failure..?? coz i've never failed b4 in my entire life...mayb tts d thing..i've never failed badly in my life b4..so dis little flop now jus making me feel tt im a failure...but dis is torture 4goodness sake...cnt u jus let me haf a breather...open a door 4 me...let me breathe...let me stand upright again...oh pls...i beg of you...haix...
to all my frens:
Im so sorry for everything...im so sorry tt i cnt bring myself stand upright again...im a failure...n i noe tt...i relli do...haix...but if oni tts nt true...im unhappy...im sad....im depressed...i noe u guys hav done so much 4 me in believeing in me more den i actualli blieve in myself...i thank u guys so much 4 tt.... muaxs...LUV U ALL SO MUCH!! im trying my best to haf faith in myself again...but its jus impossible..well at least for right now i guess... i relli hope u guys will kip cheering me on giv me support..coz i reli nid it to regain my confidence...i reli nid my confidence back...i've lost it since i 1st gt my n lvl results..i relli tank god tt i passed n lvl....
wd i hate:
haix...i hate my past so much...sumtimes i intend to 4gt abt it...but sumtimes i dun intend to...dere's beautiful memories tt i luv so much..n bad memories tt i relli wan to 4gt all abt it... but its all in stored in my brain...my heart...which has jus broken...nah..nt by love..but by myself...it cn nvr b mended..it cn nvr b healed...coz unless i blieve in myself again n b successful in my future endeavours...it cn nvr b mended nor healed...
haix...n now i cry in d middle of d nite 4 d same damn ting!!! haix....i hate crying especially wen i jus cnt take it anymore...yeah..sori but its true...especially during at nite wen my thots jus gone wild...tears cn jus automatically roll down my cheeks...haix...im so fragile...relli i am now so fragile..duno y.... anywae i hope i cn gt thru dis obstacle unscathed...unhurt...
pls b dere 4 me u guys...especially dis point of time....i relli nid ur support or else i may jus collapsed anytime...SOON.....but i relli hope not...
2dae went out wif bestie andrew and wei liang..yeah...we went out early in d morn...to haf fun..haha...and yeah in a wae we did had fun...i guess...well kinda... in d morn at 10 we went to simei coz playing table tennis at my fren's condo...she told me gt vacancy..but mayb she told me wrongly...so n yeah...we wasted a lot of time dere...haha...but oh well..evrything is predestined i guess..its meant to happen tt wae....well i relli wanted to play table tennis...so we played in d end at kampong chai chee community centre....haha...yeah...but b4 tt...we went to play pool and arcade at eastpoint...it ws great..haha...basically my bro andrew paid evrything for it..hehe...thnxs a lot!! we played daytona...car racing lar..haha..i won 1st plc!! yeah!!
so aft tt we went to hav lunch at ljs...long time nvr eat ar...so eat lo...nt bad lo..haha...so aft tt went to play table tenns 4 2 hrs..haha..actualli..all of us like didnt haf d mood to play...i noe..i cn c tt...mayb tired?? well kinda..even me u noe...u noe me guys i jus LUV sports so much..i dun mind playing it 4 hours n hours jus to satisfy my passion..haha...so we chill 4 awhile dere...toking abt stuffs.i ws like so dwn lar...dunno wd to do 4 me lar..my case is tt shld i go ite n retake o next yr ...or retake my o now...both are wasting time...but tts d oni option im left wif...cnt take private course...too XXX....i relli mean it...my course is like 5K++...omg...dang it...i jus dunno wd to do....
so aft tt went to tm by mrt frm bedok...n we met p wif mr ow..haha..gosh miss tt old guy...haha...den we tok lar...he ask abt our results n whr we're posted too..n yeah wd abt d stay in d skool tt is so memorable lar..haha...dunno y he suddenly ask tt...hahaha so went to c wd nice movie to watch lar...gv quite a few nice shows lar..but we wanted to watch ghost rider badly...but we were jus too late..haix...so decided to check out wht cineleisure gt or nt...but too bad dun haf lo..so duno wd to watch..den i wanted to watch 300..bt it ws m18 lar...hello im 18 dis yr...wd's d big deal...aiyoh..stupid cinemas!! den in d end we decided to watch protege lo...d show ws ok lar..nt bad..average...its all abt drugs...more drugs...hw ppl actualli smuggle drugs into d country n sells it wif such profitable profits!! haha..cn gt rich easily sia...n yeah n more drugs..haha...
so basically aft tt we all went home coz its gettting a bit too late..n bsides i nvr brought my home keys...so cnt go home tt late though...dang it..!! anywae so went sent wei liang 1st..den andrew sent me off oso...he's preoccupied wif a lot of things..n yeah..trying to help him solve it n stuffs...hope my advice is of any help to u..i relli hope so..so b4 i went off..i passed his present to him..he ws like so surprised lar...he didnt expect me to actualli gt him a present..coz his bdae is like s belated aldy lar...last month..so long rite..no time to mit him mah..werk werk werk oni...sian....haha...well overall...d outing ws great!! i relli wld like to tank andrew n wei liang for being dere..gg out wif me...accompany me n stuffs..thnxs so much!! appreciate it!!
tk cr evry 1..hope we'll mit again...soon i hope...cya...au revoir!!
yoz!! dis few daes i've been thinkin a lot..damn stress lar..cnt slp...damn lar..more pimples cum out de...argg...im still figuring out wd to do if i cnt go in poly of my course choice...haix..i jus dunno wd to do...i tot i knew but in d end i end up wif nthy...jus empty tots...blaming myself for failing my o lvl badly..haix...
so dese few daes been werkin hard...been doin cashier...so far so gd..nvr shortage b4...but on sat tt time shortage of $10...oh god..i dunno wd happen to it...its either sum1 took it coz i nvr locked d cashier...or i gav extra to customer unknowingly...im nt pointing fingers or anything...its my fault...so i shall b responsible 4 it...so i paid $10 on d dae itself..dang it...dere goes my 10 bucks jus like tt which ws to b used to top up my ez link....haha...bt aft i went home..d manager scolded 1 of d staffs were replace me as d cashier 4 d nite...i dunno y she did tt...coz its nt his fault at all...im sorry...relli sorry tt u kena scolded bcoz of dis stupid thing...i shall tok to him 2moro abt it on regarding wd actualli happened...hope nthy crious happens...
anywae 2dae aft werk went to bugis to buy contact lenses for my sis...ask my colleagues to accompany me..coz i dun wanna go dere alone sia..so bght d contact lenses aldy..den we decided to take neoprints 2gther...hehe...shall post it next time wen i ask my fren to scan it 4 me...hehe...but i dun look nice...evry1 dun look tt nice...coz aft werk..so tired n shack..dang it..luckily it oni cost us like 8 bucks..so each of us take out 2 bucks lo...nt bad ar...been a long time since i took neoprints...so i dun mind at all..hehe...
now singing n more singing...so if it rains bcoz of me ar...coz heaven so touched of my voice...hahahaha...lol....wahahaha...CiAo!!
